I guess I will never understand family loyalty. Maybe I just don’t understand the family life. I’ve never had any siblings, so I don’t get how you can make excuses for them and be ok with feeling guilty and having your parents control your life after you’ve reached adulthood. Decisions have been made that directly affect me, yet nobody has bothered to ask me what I think about these decisions. I was not aware that in dating one sibling, it means that the others can drop in and stay whenever they please. Is this common? Is this what normally happens? If they want to spend time together, why do they have to do it here? In my personal sanctuary? You let one in and they all wanna come in. And then they make you feel bad if you try to stop it bc you are rejecting their family. It’s a lose-lose situation. Thanks for asking me if I cared about somebody I do not know staying at my house eating my food for 3 days. Thanks for letting me know that when that’s over you’ll be gone for over 2 weeks. Thanks for asking what I thought after the decisions have been made. Fabulous.
It’s been a very long time since I last wrote on here. My life has changed dramatically, and for the better. I have the most incredible boyfriend a girl could wish for, I have gotten a promotion at work, I’m looking at buying a house/land, and as always, I have my itty-bitty kitty on my side.
I have some terrific friends too. I don’t always reach out to them. I’m not one of those people, that when I’m suffering, I reach out. Typically, if something goes awry in my life, I turn into a recluse and hide away in my home and think things through on my own before emerging out and implementing a solution to the problem at hand. Due to this behavior and recent life things going on, I’ve been a homebody and haven’t gone out much.
So James and I have been dating for almost 10 months now. It’s been incredible. Sometimes you just know things. He is so secure, and I love that because sometimes I’m all over the place. He is all of the other three signs that I lack. He is that dreamy Aquarius-Cancer I’ve always wanted, and he’s on the Capricorn/Aquarius cusp, making him super stubborn when he needs to be, but not all the time. It’s the best of both worlds. He can be aloof (always loved those aloof men) that’s the Aquarius in him, but he can be incredibly loving (which I adore being showered by his attention and compliments), which is the Cancer side of him. Then you toss in that hard working Capricorn, wanting a nice home, and being ok with staying home and watching movies instead of going to some crazy party, and wha-la, there’s my James! :-)
And me? I’m all the crazy fire, with double Saggitarius (sun and moon) I’m the passion, the new ideas, the drive, the ambition, I’m the get up and go of us. I’m the one that brings a little craziness to his smooth and steady self.
What I’ve always wanted was somebody that was emotionally stable, independent, understanding of my independent needs vs my clinginess, (he struggles with this too bc of the Aquarius/Cancer) and someone who could be my best friend throughout everything. The amount of support I’ve gotten from him over the last 10 months has been incredible. There are only three other people that have supported me as much as he has, My grandmother, my father, and my cousin Monika. Every choice I make, every fear I have, every ambition I have, he’s there for me. I’ve never had a significant other do something like this for me that is so unselfish. I can only hope that I return the favor.
People always have different expectations. When you do not meet the expectations of others, disappointment is sure to follow. I feel I’ve let a lot of people down in my life, and not all of them were necessarily my fault. I am only one person and I can only do so much. I’m learning to let go of the ‘failures’ in my life that really weren’t failures but other people trying to shove me into a mold that I was not created for. The only mold I will fit in is my own. If my life goals and dreams do not meet your expectations, than that is for you to deal with, not me. The only reason I ‘failed’ was because I wasn’t doing what I was meant to do, I was doing it for somebody else. I will never force anyone into a mold. I will accept everybody for whom they are and not try to expect extra out of them.
I’m very fortunate in all that I’ve endured to be the person I am today. I absolutely love my James and my Tyler. Such a lucky lady!!!
Over the years I’ve learned that everybody has an inner closet. This closet is where we hide our secrets, guilty pleasures, who we are, shameful experiences and much more. As a child, your closet is a safe place. A place where you don’t have to take responsibility for your actions. Your closet is your make believe world where fairies and unicorns live. Your imagination is free to go anywhere and do anything. You dream of being a Princess or model, a racecar driver or fire fighter. As you develop, the closet changes. You are expected to adhere to the rules of society and take responsibility for things. Imagination belongs to children, not adults. Your Dreams are shattered by reality. And if you are different, there is a pill somewhere to make you like the others. If the pills don’t work, there’s counseling and support groups to help you. Your closet that used to hold magical beings now hoards away your inner demons. These demons have different labels: gay, lesbian, depressed, abused, raped, abandoned, neglected, bullied, different, weird, nerdy, atheist, witch, bitch, commitment-phobe, alcoholic, or just plain old “Don’t fit in”.
Everybody lives in fear of what others will say if they admit to their inner demons. The problem is, those demons will eat you alive. They cause self destructing thoughts and behavior. The pressures of hiding who you truly are outweigh the benefits of facing these demons, at l3ast that’s what society and government want you to believe.
Everybody needs to come out of the closet. Are you in denial? Are you letting your fears overrun your life? Are you gay? Are you anon-conformist? Whatever closet your hiding in, get out! Admit you are human! We all make mistakes! It’s ok! It’s liberating to become free of the inner demons.
I was in the witch closet/broom closet for years. People tried to make me fit in their molds. Never meeting expectations, always falling short, never good enough… It was exhausting. Admitting to myself my ‘condition’ was one thing, but to admit to others was horrible. I did it though. My parents neglected me for three years. I lost friends. But, they weren’t real friends, bc my real friends stayed with me. My real friends accepted me for who I was without passing judgements.
It’s liberating having complete control over my life. I no longer worry about what others think of me. Sure there’s a title for all my conditions: witch, hippie, pacifist, non-conformist, etc, but that’s who I am. I fit in MY mold, not somebody else’s. When do you want to be yourself and live your life the way you want? Now is just as a good time as any other, so face those demons. Let them out of your closet so that you can dream again. Be yourself, for that’s who the universe intended you to be in the first place.
I feel trapped. I have no idea why I have this over whelming feeling that I’m trapped but I do. There is so much I want to do, and so little time to do it. I want to finish books I’ve started reading, I’d like to finish books I’ve started writing. I want to go to school to study psychology. I want to own my own metaphysical/crochet shop. I want to travel. I want to enhance people’s lives with giving them tarot readings. I want to be free and do my own thing. I want my house to clean itself after people come over and wreck it. I want the dumpster to be closer. I want Melissa to get her own damned car. Gosh I’m needy. Look at all the shit I want. Sigh. Off to clean up the disaster.
I’ve never in my life have felt like such a priority in someone else’s life. I’ve always been second or third or last place. James makes me feel like he puts me first in his life. It’s so new to me to be so special to someone. He had such a crummy day today. He didn’t sleep well last night and then blew a tire this morning and had issues at work. I just wanted to hold him and comfort him, but he’s so far away! I got him a gift to cheer him up so when he gets here I want him to open it but I wanna see him open it! I told him if he got here and I wasn’t home from work yet that there is a bag here with his name on it. He tells me that when he gets to Austin, if I’m at work, He’s going straight to where I work bc he’s coming here to see me, not my apartment. :-) So sweet! ♡♥♡ How did I find someone that is such a perfect fit for me?! We agree on all the important stuff, God & spirituality, politics, money, etc. The only thing we don’t agree on is guns, but it’s something that can be worked out. He’s just so amazing to me. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow! I love him so much! ♡♡
A lot has happened since I last wrote. Looks like that binding spell worked way better than planned! Raj never came back, I moved to a smaller place, and things are better now. If I could just get the random fucking people who use my house as a free hotel out, I’d have it made.
So anyways, I have a boyfriend now… So that’s new news. He’s absolutely incredible and every thing I’ve wanted in a guy. It took a lot of shitty relationships for me to figure out what I wanted, but I finally found my dream guy. Let me explain, there’s things I’ve learned from friends, family, ex lovers, etc.
I learned that if anybody can put up with my mom for as long as my dad has put up with her, than there’s hope for me.
I learned from Clay that I can not be bought. Fancy material things can never replace somebody’s embrace. You simply can’t just buy something and give it to me to make me shut up. I need attention.
I also learned from Clay that love and control do not belong together, for if you love somebody, you would never wish to control them, and if you wish to control them, that is not love, it is insecurity.
I learned from Curtis that I absolutely cannot date a Sagittarius - too much alike.
I learned from Jesse that some Aquarians are commitment phobes and there is nothing long term in that mind set.
I learned from Jon that when the sex is good, it’s impossible to break up. I also learned from Jon that although I can’t be bought, I also can’t live flat fucking broke either. Pay check to pay check doesn’t work for me. I need some sort of financial security.
The combination of dating two Leos long term taught me that I never wanna date another egotistical jerk again.
I learned from Brinney that no matter how much you love somebody, they may never love you back and you need to move on.
I learned from Clay, Jon and Brinney that I have to be myself and don’t fit in other people’s molds. It’s Ok, it just wasn’t meant to be.
I learned from Melissa that guys cannot differentiate respect from love. You must always respect the guy you love bc to disrespect him makes him lose security in the relationship.
I learned from Bellmer that sometimes God breaks your heart and there is nothing you can do about it.
I learned from grandma that sometimes the love of your life tests your patience.
I learned from grandpa that no matter how hard, harsh and stubborn you are, somebody can come along like grandma did and soften you up.
I learned from Andre that I wanted a guy to be my best friend, but it takes more than friendship to have a real, deep, meaningful loving relationship.
I learned from Tyler that I don’t want to become a crazy single cat lady.
I learned from Jake that I can’t be with someone more needy and whiney than me.
I learned from Amanda Z that I wasn’t alone in trying to make a dead relationship come back to life. She tried with Anthony 3 times. She is done now and closed that door and will never go back. I am proud of her, for I know how hard it is, even worse worth kiddos, and I followed her foot steps. I love her so much for what she has given me the courage to do.
I learned from Jeff that there is no way I can date someone who is deathly allergic to cats. I refuse to give up Tyler!
I learned from Jon Price that I needed someone flexible.
So I decided I didn’t want a water sign boy, too needy and emotional for me. Learned from Darrell and Chad that I didn’t want a adventurous Aries, they live too close to the edge and have no caution. I learned Leos wouldn’t cut it. I learned that Libras are hard to find and Geminis, thanks to Matt and Carmen, are manipulative little pricks.
I boiled my list down to a guy preferably with an Aquarius sun and cancer moon, bc I wasn’t sure anybody else would be as innovative, logical, and intellectual as an Aquarian, and not anybody could be as loving, private, and caring as a cancer - and I do love those cancer moon boys!
So that was a shit load of learning, but believe it or not, James is everything I’ve wanted. He’s a cuspy, between Capricorn and Aquarius, so although he has adventurous ideas, He’s not living on the edge too much and is very cautious. He is the most romantic person I’ve ever been with and showers me with attention which I’m still sort of getting used to. He loves me for me, and the only mold I have to fit in is the one that was made for me! I can be my crazy, peace loving pacifistic witchy self, and it’s Ok!
I am so happy and blessed! … and this is only the beginning! ☆★☆♡♥♡
I love being a witch!
I did a binding spell on Raj so that his negativity won’t affect me. I’ve cleaned and blessed my house. I’ve managed to pay rent, water, electric and gas. I’ve got my car payment taken care of. I have the paperwork in place for Raj to move out on the 8th of this month. I’ve regenerated my green thumb and managed to pot some really beautiful succulents and ivys. I’ve gotten a spice rack and hung it up with magical spices and now using my desk as my alter as so I will get more use out of the desk.
I plan on washing my sheets, laundry, livingroom rug and towels today. I may be allergic to eating lemons or lemonjuice, but that doesn’t mean I can’t clean the fuck out of my house with it! Need to clean my bathroom and re-organize my old alter & desk. My house smells so nice. Cleaned that fridge out yesterday. God that was gross. Cleaned that kitchen from top to bottom minus the floor. Absolutely fantastic.
I am ready. I am ready for good things to happen. I am open and ready for miracles to happen in my life daily. I am ready to take control of my life, my job, my finances, myself. I no longer object or hide from the fact I am a witch. I am embracing who I truly am. If others don’t like it, then they can go their way. I wish no harm on others.
I also got my pictures from the photography I had done back in January. Yes, it took that long to get them. They look fabulous though. :-)
All signs are pointing me in a different direction in my home life. I need a tag that says, “Does not live well with other people”. Or perhaps one that says, “I’m not domesticated” or even one that says, “Personal time is a must or I will explode like a time bomb”. Each of these statements are true to me.
I’ve decided I don’t want a roommate. I don’t want to depend on others to help me pay bills. I’ve learned that others simply cannot be relied on. So, self suffiency is the way for me, which entails that I get myself a smaller place. No, people can’t spend the night. No, they can’t cook in my kitchen and no they can’t make my bathroom smelly!
Let’s take a deeper look at why I am a bitch to live with due to my expectations:
*If you owe me money, and you know you owe me money, and you state that you will pay me on your next pay check, then you should DO SO. Otherwise, you fuckin lied to me, which, pisses me off. I have an EXCELLENT rental history and I am NOT about to fuck it up due to an financially irresponsible idiot roommate.
*Don’t lock me out of my own house. Ever. That’s a shitty fucking thing to do man.
*Nothing ruins a magical moment more than your roommate cracking open a bag of smelly fucking salmon. True story.
*If you cook in my kitchen, don’t wait two weeks later to clean it up. It smells like several animals died in there, at once, while pooping on each other. Sort of looks like that too. Disgusting.
*GET A LIFE! I don’t know if you have a job, or not, or wtf is going on, but on my day off I expect to have the livingroom to myself so I can do homework. Not have the fucking tv blaring with stupid Jerry Springer or Judge Judy on. Stop filling your head with useless garbage.
Bottom line: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. And stay out.
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Find out if you’re an introvert of extrovert by following the link on here: http://neurolove.me/post/48232160310/are-you-introverted-or-extraverted